What To Name Your Baby 

I know how it is. 

​You’re dizzy from the fumes of the newly painted nursery, you (or your wife) is about to bust out of those super-super-sized pregnancy jeans, there are exactly zero Shower-thank-you-notes written, and the only foods that sounds good to you all start with “Cool Ranch” and end with “Doritos”. 
The due date is right around the corner.  You’re under the gun.  The Jeopardy theme-song runs non-stop in your head. You know you’re running out of time.   But you just can’t crack it…  

What the F*** are we gonna NAME our BABY?
It’s okay.  We’ve all been there.  There’s really nothing to worry about. 
You’ve just lost your mind, is all.
But it’s alright, I’ve got this; I'm here to help.  Not with any practical advice about what to name your baby, no!  No, that would be way too cool of me.   
No, I’m here with the honest-to-god TRUTH.  
Friend:  it doesn’t matter what you name your baby.
So just have fun with it!  Free-associate.  Go on a road-trip, and just start talking to each other.  Wasn’t that how this all started, in the first place?     
Fine, if one of you is too big now to get into the car… I’ll get you started. Here’s a list of sure-fire names for you, names that will absolutely catch on like wildfire once this blog post goes viral… (but not before you were there to ‘do it first’):    
 
Murphy
Brown
Red 
Reddish-brown  
Green
Jade
Indigo
Montoya
Youkilledmyfatherpreparetodie
Goose 
Maverick
Ice Man  
Kim Basinger
That wasn’t Kim Basinger, it was Kelly McGillis.
The one from Witness?  
Yes.  
Kelly McGillis
Witness  
Ford
Han
Solo
Tatooine 
Tunisia
Bath 
Bristol  
Cyprus
Cyrus
Billy Ray Cyprus
Feldenkrais
Oikos
Puckett
Bucket   
Istanbul
Not Constantinople?
Parking Lot  
Hamlet
Ophelia 
Othello
Macbeth
Studebaker
Forerunner
Fit
Subaru 
Stunner 
Daryl 
Chalky 
Boris
Crazy Eyes  
Archer 
Persimmon 
Kumquat 
Pineapple
Melon
Shirt  
Dolly 
Byron
Boondoggle
Doogie Howser, MD 
St. Andrews
Par
Course
Merlot 
Pixar
Buzz
Apollo
Armstrong
Lance
Schranz 
Tour de France
Dancercise
Camel Toe
…yeah, now I’m stuck, too…
Fenway
Wrigley
Yankee
(what if it’s twins?)   
Yawkey & Van Ness  
Addison & Clarke 
East 161st Street & River Ave
Ross & Rachel
(triplet boys?)
Ross, Joey & Chandler
(let’s go back to single babies)
(All the single babies,
All the single babies,
All the--)
Snoopy 
Linus
Woodstock
Truckstop
Skyway
Skywalker
THX
Mooooo
Unique New York  
Batman
Austin, Madison, Brooklyn, Phoenix, Macon, Cody, Cheyenne, Savannah, Bristol, and Charlotte are all taken, so… 
…Minneapolis/St. Paul?  
Ludicrous
X-treme  
Gelato 
Nose Hair
Facial Tic
Fruitcake
Sherpa
Tennis Elbow
No, NO, STOP.  STOP.   I’ve got it:
Denim Idiot
I loved him in “Raiders…”.
 
See?  There’s really nothing to it.  Just free associate, and the first time you agree ... stop.  You're done. 
Happy Baby Name Shopping! 
PS:  All of these exciting possibilities scream “future President of the United States” to me.   I say, go for it...