I know how it is.
You’re dizzy from the fumes of the newly painted nursery, you (or your wife) is about to bust out of those super-super-sized pregnancy jeans, there are exactly zero Shower-thank-you-notes written, and the only foods that sounds good to you all start with “Cool Ranch” and end with “Doritos”. The due date is right around the corner. You’re under the gun. The Jeopardy theme-song runs non-stop in your head. You know you’re running out of time. But you just can’t crack it… What the F*** are we gonna NAME our BABY? It’s okay. We’ve all been there. There’s really nothing to worry about. You’ve just lost your mind, is all. But it’s alright, I’ve got this; I'm here to help. Not with any practical advice about what to name your baby, no! No, that would be way too cool of me. No, I’m here with the honest-to-god TRUTH. Friend: it doesn’t matter what you name your baby. So just have fun with it! Free-associate. Go on a road-trip, and just start talking to each other. Wasn’t that how this all started, in the first place? Fine, if one of you is too big now to get into the car… I’ll get you started. Here’s a list of sure-fire names for you, names that will absolutely catch on like wildfire once this blog post goes viral… (but not before you were there to ‘do it first’): Murphy Brown Red Reddish-brown Green Jade Indigo Montoya Youkilledmyfatherpreparetodie Goose Maverick Ice Man Kim Basinger That wasn’t Kim Basinger, it was Kelly McGillis. The one from Witness? Yes. Kelly McGillis Witness Ford Han Solo Tatooine Tunisia Bath Bristol Cyprus Cyrus Billy Ray Cyprus Feldenkrais Oikos Puckett Bucket Istanbul Not Constantinople? Parking Lot Hamlet Ophelia Othello Macbeth Studebaker Forerunner Fit Subaru Stunner Daryl Chalky Boris Crazy Eyes Archer Persimmon Kumquat Pineapple Melon Shirt Dolly Byron Boondoggle Doogie Howser, MD St. Andrews Par Course Merlot Pixar Buzz Apollo Armstrong Lance Schranz Tour de France Dancercise Camel Toe …yeah, now I’m stuck, too… Fenway Wrigley Yankee (what if it’s twins?) Yawkey & Van Ness Addison & Clarke East 161st Street & River Ave Ross & Rachel (triplet boys?) Ross, Joey & Chandler (let’s go back to single babies) (All the single babies, All the single babies, All the--) Snoopy Linus Woodstock Truckstop Skyway Skywalker THX Mooooo Unique New York Batman Austin, Madison, Brooklyn, Phoenix, Macon, Cody, Cheyenne, Savannah, Bristol, and Charlotte are all taken, so… …Minneapolis/St. Paul? Ludicrous X-treme Gelato Nose Hair Facial Tic Fruitcake Sherpa Tennis Elbow No, NO, STOP. STOP. I’ve got it: Denim Idiot I loved him in “Raiders…”. See? There’s really nothing to it. Just free associate, and the first time you agree ... stop. You're done. Happy Baby Name Shopping! PS: All of these exciting possibilities scream “future President of the United States” to me. I say, go for it...
1 Comment
Kip
10/17/2015 08:52:43 am
Love this! We were still arguing about a name until Warren was 3 days old... I caved so he is not a Jeffrey.
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