Dear Rich Old Man,
You keep calling me about your K-1. And no, it is not ready yet. Just like the last sixty-seven times you've called me, it won't be ready for a few more days, until the accountants are finished preparing them. And, again, I'll send it along the moment it is ready. But in the meantime, here's a little tip: your calling me three times a day will not make it materialize any sooner. It'll be ready when it is ready. And not a moment before.
It is especially not ready today, a Sunday*. It will not be ready on a Sunday because nobody works on Sunday. Or, people do, but those people are just sad. The rest of us do not work on Sunday, as we need to take time every so often to have a glass of beer, go to a house of worship, see a play, recover from a hangover, and/or spend time with our children. We cannot service your Old Rich Man needs today, because the Old Rich Men Servicing Department is currently closed. Because it is Sunday.
*NOTE: Typically in the Financial sector, one works when the Banks are open, which means not on Sundays. If you work on Sundays (and/or, you are a whiny little bitch who likes to quibble over semantics), you may want to substitute in your head whatever day of the week it is that you, yourself, do not work, wherever you see the word "Sunday".
Listen. I'm not trying to be rude, but the fact that you are getting a K-1 from our office can mean only one thing:
You are Rich. You have funds at your disposal the likes of which I have only seen in bank heist movies. You could wipe your ass with a $100 bill every day from now until the day you die, and your children would still have enough money to own an island in the Caribbean and me, a middle class American lady with a degree from NYU.
Now, the fact that you are calling on a Sunday indicates to me that you have a great deal of time on your hands. Therefore, I would like to make a suggestion, something you might do with your time, and with your money: Become a Philanthropist. Full time. Seriously. You have everything you need to become a really good one, which is not the same with other pursuits like medicine or physics or philosophy, for which you also needs a few brain cells, and the ability to know when you are being a jackass. No, seriously, philanthropy was made for guys like you. And, here's the kicker: do you know what you'll find out, if you become one? That the People of the World need you! Starving people need food; thirsty people need water; the whole world needs cleaner energy - just start with one of these, open up your checkbook, and give it a whirl. I think you'll be amazed at how truly useful you can be.
But, no, I get it. If becoming a philanthropist doesn't appeal for some reason (it doesn't benefit you directly, it would cost you money, it sounds boring, or distasteful, you're retired, etc.), I do have one other suggestion, then, and that is: Go fuck yourself. Or, rather, go try to fuck yourself, for I hear it is very difficult to get ones own penis in ones own asshole, and I believe you may find the attempt an edifying pursuit.
And by the time you've done it, or at least by the time you've given it the old college try... guess what?
Your K-1 will be ready.